Upcoming Workshops--My Attempt at Office Humor

(TESOL Worksheets--Workshops)

I was using the paper cutter in the office...

...and I was joking with a co-worker that I could use a whole workshop on using this thing.  (The paper cutters in our office are notorious for mangling our worksheets).  
This set off a whole train of thought in my mind, and pretty soon I was mentally compiling a list of parody workshops.
Our center runs about 4 workshops every month on various topics, so I thought it would be funny to post up a list of parody upcoming workshops on the notice board.
I was chuckling quietly to myself while I wrote the whole thing, so I at least amused myself.  Who knows if  anyone else will find it funny.
About half of the content here refers to situations specific to my particular school.   (e.g. using stickers as a reward system in children's classes).  But perhaps the other half will be more recognizable for language teachers anywhere.
I've also got this on Google (docs, pub)

WORKSHOPS THIS MONTH

Due to popular request, we’re opening up a number of new workshops this month.  Register on the Wiki to find out the times and dates.

Working with Paper Cutters

A step-by-step guide to cutting your worksheets more effectively.  You’ll get tips on the ideal number of papers to cut at one time and how big your cutting arc should be.  You’ll also be given an exclusive guide to which of the staffroom cutters work the best.

Unjamming the Photocopy Machine

Our most popular workshop.  You’ll learn how to remove paper from the photocopier when it misfeeds.  At the end of the workshop, all successful attendees will receive a certificate of completion.

Stapling

Stapling skills are often the most overlooked areas of teachers’ professional development, but effective use of the stapler could be one of the most important techniques in your preparation.  No matter if you’re a new teacher, or an experienced stapler, we’ll work with you to cut seconds off of your average stapling time.

Caffeine Management

It’s tempting to start the day with lots of coffee.  But too much caffeine too early on in the day could cause you problems later on when the caffeine high wears off.  

This workshop, lead by some of Center One’s most experienced coffee drinkers, will talk about the ideal amount of caffeine to have at various times of the day.  We’ll also discuss when to put sugar in your coffee.

How to Tell When the People at the Smoker’s Table are Talking About You

It’s a truism that most of the gossip at any workplace always takes place at the smoker’s table.  If you’re not a smoker, there’s a danger that you could become the subject of gossip when they gather around that table.  Although there’s no way to know for sure whether they’re talking about you or not, there are subtle clues in their body language that could be an indication.  We’ll discuss these factors, and what you should do about it, all at this workshop.

How to Tell When a Computer is Free or Not

There’s no one sitting at the computer, but several tabs are open, and it looks like a worksheet is halfway done.  Is it safe to sit down and start using the computer, or should you wait another 10 minutes to be sure they’re really done.  We’ll discuss the various techniques you can use at this workshop.

For a bonus workshop credit, we’ll also discuss how to avoid losing your own computer whenever you walk down to retrieve something from the printer.

A Classroom Management System that Presupposes the Absence of Free Will

Given that all of our actions are determined by our genetic predisposition combined with external conditioning, is it fair to punish some students for bad behavior or to reward others for good behavior?  We’ll discuss different types of classroom management systems that all presuppose your students have no responsibility for their actions.

English Teaching in a Larger Existential Context

Given that all of our students will eventually grow old and die someday, it is tempting to assume that our work as English Teachers has little value in the greater cosmic universe. In this workshop, we’ll discuss coming to terms with our own mortality and how this relates to our language teaching.

Handing Out Stickers

Is it best to have the kids line up, or to stay in their seats?  What do you do with those kids who take way too long to decide which sticker they want?  How do you control the kids after they’ve already been given their sticker?  What do you do with a sheet of stickers after all the good stickers have already been taken?  And should you, under any circumstances, ever give the sad face sticker to a child?  

Taking Resources from Other Teacher’s Folders

We’ll discuss which teachers have folders that are good to borrow from, and line up a chart of individual folders and the levels they are good for.  We’ll also discuss the etiquette of taking resources from another teacher’s folder.  Like, should you verbally thank them, or is it more appropriate to pay a small gratuity?  Is it ever okay to copy these materials over to your folder?  If someone else found these resources in your folder, would they assume that you had created that PowerPoint, when you totally just stole it from someone else?

Grading Cambridge Tests

One of our biggest challenges as teachers is determining which line goes to which character on the “Match the names to the picture” listening test.  It’s especially hard to follow the light pencil marks made by your student against the black background of the photocopy. But don’t worry, help is on the way.   In this workshop, we’ll recommend several good optometrists who are working in Ho Chi Minh City, and discuss suitable price ranges for your new set of glasses.

Facial Hair

A well-manicured trimmed beard can make you look intellectual, and actually increase your customer satisfaction rating.  But three-day old stubble just makes you look slovenly and unkempt, whereas too much facial hair makes you look wild and uncivilized.  In this workshop, we’ll discuss the ideal amount of facial hair for you.  Mandatory for all male teachers.