Transformers

(Movie Review)

Well, obviously I waited a while before rushing out to see this movie. But I've been assured by a number of people that this movie, while not exactly a work of art, was a decent enough popcorn movie. And since I was in the mood for something light and fluffy the other night, I decided to give it a try.

Like every child of the 80s, “Transformers” has a certain nostalgia value for me. And like every 7 year old boy, I thought a toy car that transformed into a robot was the coolest thing ever. (A couple years ago when I was working at the department store stocking toy shelves, I was pleasantly surprised to find out that “Transformers” are still a popular item 20 years later).

However as a result of a conservative upbringing, I was not allowed to watch the TV show a child. (My parents allowed me to have some of Transformer toys (provided it was nothing that could transform into a gun)), but not to watch the TV show. (Which seems like a bit of a contradiction, but I guess parenting must all be about compromises). And so my knowledge of Transformer lore is pretty limited compared to a lot of my peers. I knew who Optimus Prime was, and I knew who Bumblebee was, but that was about it. And even then, I knew about these characters only in the sense I knew there was a toy connected to them. I never grew to care for them as beloved characters on a favorite TV show. [Although a couple years ago, Dean showed me the Transformers cartoon movie (the one where Optimus Prime dies) at his house, thus filling me in a little bit].

Therefore having mentioned the nostalgia factor, I must also state that it has its limits in my case. The idea of seeing these cartoon robots from the 1980s transformed into a live action movie does not excite me as much as it might for someone else my age.

Which leaves just the movie itself. And the movie is pretty terrible.

It’s a Michael Bay movie, so I guess you get what you've come to expect. Namely:
* Lots of action scenes with tons of explosions and car crashes. But somehow never really puts me on the edge of my seat.

I’m not quite sure what it is about Michael Bay action scenes, but I never really get into them. It’s certainly nothing like, say, the jeep scene from “Radars of the Lost Ark”, where you feel every punch Indy hits, and you’re on pins and needles wondering how in the world he’ll ever come out on top.
Granted Spielberg is setting the bar pretty high, I know, but for all the sound and fury of a Michael Bay film, I've never felt absorbed in any of the action sequences he’s done. Instead I've felt like I was just watching a fireworks show of explosions and flying cars, and men running around.
(I also got the impression that this movie was made to be watched on the big screen. I had trouble following all the action scenes on my small TV screen.)

Another part of the Michael Bay trademark is:
*a plot which walks a thin line between asking the audience to suspend disbelief, and actively insulting the audience’s intelligence

In this case though, I think he’s outdone himself.
Really, the plot of this film is just ridiculous. The overarching concept story is bad enough, but none of the little twists along the way make a whole lot of sense either.

Part of me is sorely tempted to make a long angry list of all the plot points in this film that make absolutely no sense. But I don’t think that would be a very productive use of my time. The plot holes are glaring enough, that if you've watched the movie, I’m sure you’ll be able to pick them up on your own without my assistance.

It’s not only the plot though. A lot of the physical action of this film defies credulity. The scene where the giant Transformer robots are hiding behind the house? And the parents still don’t notice? (Actually, why it was of the upmost importance to keep their existence a secret from the parents in the first place is something I never understood, but I promised myself I wouldn't write a list of all the holes in the plot).

A friend of mine told me, “It’s an OK movie, except whenever anyone opens their mouth.” I don’t know if I’d go so far as to grant the first half of that statement, but the dialogue is definitely painful. And this is a feature that starts right from the opening monologue, and then just gets worse and worse as the film progresses.

All of these criticisms aside, I do have to admit the film is kind of entertaining, in a popcorn flick sort of way. There are enough explosions, car chases, and fighting robots to encourage you to shovel in the popcorn.
The plot and dialogue are terrible, but even that sort of grew on me after a while. I actually looked forward to when a character would open his mouth, just so I could hear the incredibly bad dialogue. And when the plot of the movie took yet another ridiculous twist, I kind of enjoyed seeing it sink to a new low. And it even was kind of fun to see how blatantly this movie was pandering itself to the high school crowd. (In the film, the top NSA experts in the country are slackers recruited right out of high school).
For best results, this movie should probably be watched by with a group of friends so you can shout it down “Mystery Science Theater 3000” style, but even alone in my apartment I was able to get a small kick out of enjoying how bad this movie was.

The final battle takes place in a city, which was another plot twist I didn't understand. Why did the army think it would be a good idea to draw the battle into the middle of a downtown city?

As the giant robots fought each other, buildings were demolished and panicked civilians ran for their lives. (Although they never seemed to run very far. Even after the battle had been going on for a good 15-20 minutes or so, there seemed to be no effort to evacuate the city, and each office building or restaurant the robots crashed into was full of people going about their business and caught completely off guard).

...Anyway, I was watching this scene, and I thought, “This is just as bad as those old Godzilla movies.”
And then I remembered, “Wait a minute, I use to love those old Godzilla movies.” When I was 12, 13, even into my mid-teens I was a huge Godzilla fan. And those old movies were much worse than this one. They didn't have any special effects, or big explosions, or car chases.

And it suddenly occurred to me that if I had been 12 when this movie came out, it probably would have been the coolest thing ever.
…And that probably explains the success of Michael Bay’s film career in a nut shell. The fact that millions of people turn 12 every day is going to keep this man in business for a long time.

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Since I’m in Japan, and since this movie is based off a Japanese anime, I should probably write a few words about its reception in Japan.

As far as I can tell, no one in Japan even remembers the old TV show. It obviously had a lot less impact here in Japan than it did back home.

You should, of course, always take what I say with a grain of salt, because I don’t watch a lot of Japanese TV, and my information is based on just the handful of people I happen to talk to out here in the boondocks in Oita prefecture. But I've mentioned “Transformers” to several Japanese people my age, and none of them knew what I was talking about.

“What!” I would say. “This was absolutely huge in the 80s. The big robots who could change into cars! Sure you must remember this.”

And they would pause to think for a while, and then say that it did sound kind of familiar now that I mentioned it, but they couldn't really remember any specifics.

This is not only true of “Transformers”, but a lot of the other Japanese cartoons we grew up with. I have yet to find a Japanese person who knows what I’m talking about when I mention “Voltron”. (Even when I use the Japanese name for the show “Go-Lion”). And, although I was at least able to find “The Mysterious Cities of Gold” in my video store (which is more than I can say for either “Voltron” or “Transformers”), when questioned none of my Japanese friends seem to remember it either.

Part of this is probably because there is so much Japanese Anime. And a lot of it is all pretty much the same. There were so many Anime series about robots that could change shapes, I think it must all run together in the Japanese memory.

But it’s also interesting how some things can change in popularity when they come across the ocean. Any foreigner who has come to Japan I think is surprised (and perhaps slightly worried) at how popular “The Carpenters” are in Japan. Whereas most Japanese people have never heard of, say, someone like Jimi Hendrix.
And, as I've mentioned on this blog before, most Japanese people have never heard of “Sudoku”.
Likewise the cartoon and TV shows that appear to be very popular with Japanese children (Doraemon, Ultraman, Gamon Rider, Conan Detective, et cetera) have yet to make it really big on the other side of the Pacific.

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Transformers: Movie Review (Scripted)